My husband and I often measure political candidates by considering what kind of neighbors they would make. We recently took stock of the Republican presidential candidates using this standard. We’re pretty quiet, but from time to time, we do something that affects our neighbors. On the winter solstice, we had a bonfire on the beach in front of our house. It was a true “bone fire” (yup, that’s what bonfire means) because we used the occasion to cremate our recently departed dog. The fire burned hot and long. How would each candidate react if a little smoke had blown their way?
Mitt Romney would send over his manservant to inform us (politely) that our smoke was intruding into the Romney family home and to ask (politely) that we cease and desist. When that failed, he would change his position to state that the smoke was indiscernible in the Romney home and to encourage us to continue.
Newt Gingrich would record the event with photos and written notes, document local wind conditions, determine whether we had a burn permit (we did), and plan to hand over the dossier to his lawyer in the morning so he could sue our pants off. Then he would satisfy his inexplicable and urgent desire for barbeque by raiding his refrigerator.
Rick Santorum would peek out from behind his curtains, conclude that we were Satanists, and spend the next several years conducting a whisper campaign against us. At least we’re one man and one woman Satanists.
Ron Paul would have been conflicted between his expectation of peaceful enjoyment of his home and his libertarian principles best summed up as “they don’t need no stinking badges.” After a sleepless night, he would finally realize that, in the real world, libertarianism is an unsustainable political philosophy.
Rick Perry would pop a brewski and come over to join us, quaffing beer and great lungfuls of smoke, all the while commenting how bracing and manly a good brush fire is.
Michele Bachmann would pray away the gray.
We concluded that Mitt Romney would be the best neighbor, though unpredictable and so rich that he could squash us like a bug whenever he wanted to. Ron Paul would be the most interesting. And the easiest one to smack around. Rick Perry would be just plain annoying. Santorum and Bachmann would both serve as rich veins of humor, though capable of unleashing great evil in the name of their god if we pissed them off too much. The number one worst neighbor by far would be Newt Gingrich. The only way to placate him would be to bring him a little barbeque.
